Formation Group Series: Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Resisting Reactivity

Becoming someone who can remain present to oneself and to another, especially in times of disagreement or distress, is one of the most important things we can do to become whole.

This is the fruit of a life that is “marked by humility and contemplative prayer.” Pastor Rich is convinced that this is the most important skill needed in our world today. He calls it a calm presence. I want to highlight his use of the word “skill.” A skill is something that must be learned and refined, and sometimes we must unlearn certain things as well. Much of how we approach life, ourselves, and others, stems from the emotional systems that were handed down to us through our families of origin. Pastor Rich quotes Ronald Richardson, saying “Time and distance do not fool an emotional system.” If we are to carry this calm presence within and to others, we must actively cultivate it by inviting the Holy Spirit to work in us and letting go of the false self.

To be this kind of person requires a level of individual and interpersonal curiosity, self-compassion, and the willingness to put boundaries on coerciveness. In other words, we venture to see ourselves and the other—whoever that other might be—as sacred beings deserving of care and respect.

To develop this skill, we must learn to see ourselves and others as “sacred beings deserving of care and respect.” Pastor Rich encourages us to give equal weight and focus both inwardly and outwardly. Jesus calls us to love others and to love ourselves. If, when engaging others, we disappear to our own values and convictions, then we are not loving ourselves. If, when engaging others, we distance ourselves emotionally and discount their humanity and story, then we are not loving them well either. In order to carry a calm presence within ourselves and to others, we must “remain present for the sake of love” to ourselves and to others in the face of anxiety.

Self-differentiation is the commitment to paying attention to our actions, our reactions, our anxiety, our responsibility.

In this chapter, Pastor Rich gives us three practices for cultivating a calm presence: emotional self-regulation, naming the messages, and speaking clearly. All of these practices exist to root us in love. The deeper we are rooted in love, the more we will carry a calm presence in the face of anxiety to ourselves and to others. Much like the fruit of contemplative prayer, the fruit of these practices is seen in time through consistent practice.

…the person growing in cultivating presence is curious, courageous, and compassionate—three words that God wants to form in us for the healing of the world, and three words that are possible for those rooted in love.

Reflection

Let’s break down some characteristics of a calm presence.

What does it mean to be close and curious, or present, to yourself in times of high anxiety?

What does it mean to be close and curious, or present, to others in times of high anxiety?

Have you ever been tempted to emotionally fuse (disappear to another) or emotionally cut off (disappear from another)? How is maintaining a calm presence different? Do you have an example that you are comfortable sharing with the group?

Pastor Rich gives some examples of practices that help us emotionally-regulate, allowing us to collect ourselves in times of distress. Emotional regulation keeps us from functioning from a place of reactivity. Do you have any practices that help you pay attention to your body and train your mind and soul to “resist the force of our impulses?”

The second practice described in this chapter is naming the messages. We all carry deeply rooted messages and are faced with lies, and if we are not careful, we will agree with them. Has this chapter inspired you to develop a practice of naming the messages in order to reject them? Do you currently have a practice of planned reflection? What does that look like?

Pastor Rich writes, “To be rooted in love is not to believe in a fantasy that we will agree on every matter, big or small. But it is to believe in the possibility that we can remain close to ourselves and each other in the most challenging of moments.” The third practice highlighted in this chapter is speaking clearly. It stems from cultivating a calm presence, rooted in love. Share with the group your experience of someone speaking clearly from a calm presence rooted in love.

Bible Passage for Mediation

Ephesians 2

14 For Christ himself has brought peace to us. He united Jews and Gentiles into one people when, in his own body on the cross, he broke down the wall of hostility that separated us. 15 He did this by ending the system of law with its commandments and regulations. He made peace between Jews and Gentiles by creating in himself one new people from the two groups. 16 Together as one body, Christ reconciled both groups to God by means of his death on the cross, and our hostility toward each other was put to death.

17 He brought this Good News of peace to you Gentiles who were far away from him, and peace to the Jews who were near. 18 Now all of us can come to the Father through the same Holy Spirit because of what Christ has done for us.

19 So now you Gentiles are no longer strangers and foreigners. You are citizens along with all of God’s holy people. You are members of God’s family. 20 Together, we are his house, built on the foundation of the apostles and the prophets. And the cornerstone is Christ Jesus himself. 21 We are carefully joined together in him, becoming a holy temple for the Lord. 22 Through him you Gentiles are also being made part of this dwelling where God lives by his Spirit.