Formation Group Series: Chapter 7
To be human is to experience conflict. Let’s normalize this. Conflict is not a sign of un-health. It’s unhealthy to never have conflict. (page 139)
I don’t know about you but I need to hear this over and over again. Confession time. Some of you may know a little about the Enneagram personality assessment; I’m a 9. Nine’s, when not living in a healthy state, are notorious for avoiding conflict at all costs. When Pastor Rich spoke of the person who refuses to acknowledge the elephant in the room, he was speaking about me. I am an eternal optimist and can easily overlook an offense for the sake of keeping peace (even if I know that peace is fake). Yet deep down, I long for true peace and harmony and I need to continually be reminded that conflict is not necessarily a sign of un-health - but rather a sign of genuine human interaction. We are all different. We all bring various check-in sized baggage with us into the community. Therefore, we all need the help of Jesus, with his gifts of grace and gentleness to guide us into the conflict so that we can experience healing and be made whole.
We are all prone to mistakes. But the hallmark of someone growing in love is one who can listen non-defensively. (page 155)
Each one of us, as children of God, continue in this life with the value and goal of growing in our capacity to love. To say it another way: growing in the capacity to love is a fundamental characteristic of Christian men and women. We must want to be better lovers at all costs. And the cost is usually our pride. Letting our defenses down, lowering the walls and being open to honest reflection and change is crucial for our healing and wholeness. This is a regular area of formation for me. With the Lord’s help I will better tomorrow than I am today.
I do have what it takes to tolerate this moment. (page 148)
This again was helpful for me. So often we want to avoid conflict because of fear. We fear the confrontation itself, we fear the potential end result of total loss of the relationship. But if we give into the fear and do not enter the confrontation, the loss of relationship is almost certain. If we resist the devil and his lies and do not give into the fear, we give the Holy Spirit the chance to reconcile the relationship and move us towards wholeness. We only need to believe that we do have what it takes to tolerate the moment.
Reflection
How did the family you grew up in handle conflict? Can you see this approach continuing in your current relationships?
How does the presence of relational conflict in the Bible make you feel?
Rich highlights three stages of relationships - heavenly, hellish, holding the tensions - when have you experienced all three in a situation?
Have you experienced clean fighting? What do feel is the critical difference between clean fighting and dirty fighting? How might you overcome that obstacle?
Scripture for Meditation
11 When Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. 12 For before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group.13 The other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even Barnabas was led astray.
14 When I saw that they were not acting in line with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas in front of them all, “You are a Jew, yet you live like a Gentile and not like a Jew. How is it, then, that you force Gentiles to follow Jewish customs?
15 “We who are Jews by birth and not sinful Gentiles 16 know that a person is not justified by the works of the law,but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we, too, have put our faith in Christ Jesus that we may be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the law, because by the works of the law no one will be justified.
17 “But if, in seeking to be justified in Christ, we Jews find ourselves also among the sinners, doesn’t that mean that Christ promotes sin? Absolutely not! 18 If I rebuild what I destroyed, then I really would be a lawbreaker.
19 “For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. 20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21 I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law,Christ died for nothing!”
